Thursday, May 1, 2014

What it's all about.

It's been almost 2 months since our Squishy Annie came home. The joy is so immense y'all.

And since it was Annie time and we were adjusting to the system that is foster to adopt through CPS/DFPS (remember my last post about the visitations {which have been ceased- PRAISE!} and the hearings, house visits, paperwork, etc.), it was decided and realized that God led me to take a break from my photog business.

 I mean, I still had the facilitating- God leads- Lovely Girls Club and parenting and house stuff and cheese eating and this and all the thats. And I got to use the word: "hiatus" which made me feel plumb fancy.

Since being on hiatus things have happened. Things meaning realizations.

That whole wife thing.

Let me backtrack a little here.

At the beginning of 2014, I was reading a book, Unglued by Lysa TerKurst.

In the book she talks about the pressure she had felt to be whatever image of a wife she had in her mind and how that image did NOT line up at all with the day to day reality of it all. Anyone relate much to this grandness?
I do. Y'all gotta know- I'm a freaking mess and I'm tired of it!
  • Never having dinner ready or made or planned or thawed or thought about. 
  • Never having all rooms clean at once and laundry done- this is an impossibility. For sure. 
  • Zero energy from 5pm-7pm PRIME FAMILY TIME. 
  • Just being un-gameplannish. 
  • The worst at time mgmt. 
  • Hair unbrushed- but really, brushing wouldn't help anyway. 
  • That glazed look in my eye- oh wait, that's from all the eye surgeries. I've had 10. Have I mentioned that before?? 8-)
When she said this, I was so relieved. This book is incredible by the way. It's up there for me with Boundaries: 

 and Captivating:

Okay I didn't mean for that to get into a book advertisement, but you should all read those books asap and then come back and read this in 2 years.

She talks about what released her from this horrific pressure of being the perfect wife - pressure that my husband has NEVER put on me but the stupid enemy has- by asking her hubby to pick 3 things he would like her to attempt to accomplish that would help a brothah out.

Let me just go ahead and say that I value my God given role as a wife. Yes, like Candace Cameron/DJ Tanner Forever, I support God's plan for what a wife is-- (You really need to read Captivating and their take on what the Bible says "helpmate" means)-- to be my husband's helpmate.
And I'm also the kinda gal that is all about pouring into other gals and telling them they can do anything with Jesus!
Yes. You can be both of those. It is possible.
Leelah beat a boy in a running race the other day and I have to say I did un-humbly celebrate with her. It just so happens he is one of those kids that is a rudey-patootie. I'm sorry I'm besmirching another kid, but he's been asking for it. We all know the ones.
Please help me, Lord. 

So he gave me my 3. I had to press him for it. I'm tellin' y'all he is so chill and easy like that.
He said he'd like to eat more at home.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- have time to plan---- have time to cook----TIME!
To not overcommit so much.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- I need to really consider what I'm saying no to when I say yes to something--- more home time--- TIME!
And this was the hardest to get out of him-- to keep the high traffic areas tidy.
Johnicles is saint. He cleans up after himself. He always does the dishes- untold. He helps with the girls' feedings, diapers whatever! So I totally get this. And what do I need to do it-- TIME!

That whole work from home thing.
Working from home is everywhere and I know lots who succeed with it.
I do think it can lead into a very subtle trap. And that's all I will say on that.

I'm so thankful for the business that God made out of my creative heart. And how He healed my eyes so I could use them to give Him glory and to help our family become debt free (twice!).

But there are so many things that go into it that are so costly. 

This whole break I thought was because of Annie.

But what happened was I saw what I have been missing with Leelah.

There are women that can manage both and enjoy it and work from home and keep that separated. There are women that have to work out of the home or they want to and I'm not judging. God bless those women. If He calls you, He equips me. I'm not called to do this.
That is not what He has planned for me. Not at this time anyway.

Leelah has needs that have taken me a while to learn.  She's emotionally intense- which has wonderful positives and needy negatives. She's a quality-time person. That's her love language (another great read!!).
There's that word again:
It's all about time.  She needs it. My home needs it. I need it.

So this photog business- it's a Sat. morning and afternoon gig ( I quit doing Sundays a long time ago out of what God put on my heart as to keep that day set a part). BUT the editing is forever and ongoing and at every free time-- but I never complained because I was glad and loved the creativity of all of it. Plus, there's the whole running a business hat. Not too big of deal for me, but let's not forget it's a business.

This past weekend we got to stay home on Saturday morning instead of festivals or errands or etc. and I just did crafts with Leelah. I noticed she kept saying: "I just love this time. I love you. This is so fun."

We don't get to play like that after school because of life happening. 

That sweet Saturday moment my heart was sad about realizing the past I had lost and overjoyed at the chance of the future. I knew then that my business is no longer.
I need to get back in business with my family. 
The break has been awesome. Rooms are starting to get more organized. Starting. Home dinners are more frequent. And even the procrastination is getting better. 

Other piddly things that aren't so piddly.
And don't get me started on the sales taxes and the end of year taxes. Small businesses are so oppressively taxed. I'm only taking home around 30%. So all that time to earn 30%. 
And I was never made to run the race. I always open the door no one is using because I hate to go through the crowd all going through the door. It's just the way it is.

I want to be creative on my own terms I guess is what I'm trying to say.

So the pause has become a stop on the VHS of my business. And I'm finally taking deep breaths.

1 comment:

Scott F. said...

Great post Gillian.

There never seems to be enough time. As we get older the point is driven even deeper and for some people it precipitates a crisis. I find it helps to make my priorities line up with God's priorities and it looks like you are doing the same. More power to you there!

Think about eternal life... Can you imagine having time for ALL the things and people we want in our lives? I think of all the relationships that have been left withering from a lack of time to invest. I think of all self time that gets replaced with other things. I think of all the time I could be spending pursuing God but which gets crowded with the business of life. Imagine finally having all the time you need for God, for you, and for those you love... Who needs mansions and streets of gold if you can just have time!?

I hear you on the business front as well. Our government is not small business friendly at all. In fact, it seems like it just isn't friendly on any fronts nowadays, especially toward those that don't wish to be dependent. I think it is the spirit of the Anti-christ at work. The reality is that we are wholly dependent on God. Satan wishes to replace God and would have us be dependent on him. Samuel warned the Jews about what strong government would do to them. Nothing has changed in that respect except for the size and intensity of it. Like God, it wants no other gods before it. It demands obedience. It wants ALL of parts of our life submitted to it. Unlike God, it does not know what you need, when you need it and how you need it. Nor does it love you. It is a one way street. With God, the street goes both ways. With God, dependency is not slavery. Ironically, it is freedom. Someday, REAL reform is coming and then we will finally have the government and leader we really need ;-)